Every Little Secret Read online

  * * *

  On Friday, Max finished a long day on a job in Brampton and agreed to join Tom and Bob in one of his old haunts, The White Hart, in nearby Huntingdon. Work with John around Uxbridge had slowed down over the last couple of weeks but luckily, he’d landed this new contract with his old mates.

  It was already busy with early evening drinkers. Fortunately, he didn’t recognise anyone. He didn’t fancy bumping into any of the Wood family, except Ali of course. Now that would make his day. Shit. What a bastard he was thinking that.

  All week he’d been working late to get a new home finished and a swift pint with the boys wasn’t going to hurt anyone. Bob and Tom followed him to a table near the open fire. The low-beamed ceiling looked like it had been given a recent lick of paint. Shelves of antique gardening tools lined the walls. Must be under new management. Maddy would be in her element.

  ‘Cheers Adam,’ Tom said, lifting his pint of bitter. Max chinked glasses with him, then Bob.

  ‘Yeah, cheers.’ Bob downed half his drink in one go. ‘God, I needed that,’ he said, and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. ‘Hey, is that Kath over there?’ He nudged Tom’s elbow. Plaster dust puffed out of his overalls.

  ‘Looks like it. Do you want me to call her over?’

  ‘Yeah, go on, see if she’s got that blonde mate with her.’

  Tom gave a wolf whistle. The woman glanced round smiling. She put her hand on her hip and held a pose in her leatherette minidress and knee-high patent boots.

  ‘Looking good, girl,’ Bob said, slapping his knee that was jogging up and down like a piston. She slid herself onto his leg, but it didn’t stop moving. Bob’s face flushed under his dark skin.

  ‘Where’s your mate today, Kath?’ he asked.

  ‘And I thought you wanted to see me,’ she said, standing up.

  ‘Don’t go.’ Bob pulled her back.

  ‘Here she is,’ she said and released herself from his grip.

  Max watched a blonde saunter towards them. She seemed familiar but he couldn’t place her.

  ‘Hiya guys,’ she said in an imitation Texan drawl.

  ‘I should be getting off.’ Max stood up.

  ‘Going so soon?’ said the blonde, easing herself into his chair. She crossed her tanned legs.

  ‘You’re no fun, mate,’ Tom said. ‘I reckon he’s going home to his pipe and slippers.’ They all laughed.

  He imagined Maddy in the garden with the girls helping her water the flowers. She wouldn’t mind if he had another drink. She’d tell him he deserved it for working so hard.

  He drained his glass and worked his way over to the bar, squeezing past a group of bikers. A short, squat man with a ring through his nose shoved into Max, winding him.

  ‘Better watch yourself, mate,’ the man said. Max was about to reply, but the man had gone.

  He cradled his stomach and held out a ten pound note to attract the barman. His sleeve inched back showing the small tattoo on the inside of his wrist. It had been months since he’d thought about Ali. He tried to picture what she would look like now. If she was married too. It was natural to be curious, wasn’t it? Especially considering their relationship ended so abruptly. Why couldn’t she be in here tonight?

  ‘Don’t let them get to you,’ said a voice at his side. The blonde leaned on the bar next to him. ‘I’m Jaz, Jasmine.’

  ‘Adam. What can I get you?’ He pointed in the direction of the colourful line of bottles.

  ‘It’s okay, I can get my own. I don’t do rounds.’

  ‘This isn’t a round. I don’t expect one back.’

  ‘What do you expect then?’ She smiled pouting. Out of her lacy fingerless gloves sprouted slender hands and long black-red nails.

  ‘I expect you to drink it and be grateful,’ he said with a smile.

  She laughed. ‘I don’t accept charity, but I’ll make an exception. Whiskey. Neat.’

  ‘I’ve not seen you down here before.’

  ‘You’ve not had your eyes open then.’

  She was what you’d call confident. He openly looked her up and down. Tight denim minidress and stilettos. He caught a glimpse of her cleavage and looked away. No bra. She knocked the whiskey back in one go, slamming the glass on the table.

  ‘You married?’ she asked.

  ‘What do you think?’ He fingered his wedding ring in his pocket. He always took it off for work.

  ‘I don’t think you’re the type,’ she said.

  * * *

  He wasn’t quite sure how he got there, but he ended up at Jaz’s flat sometime after midnight. When he woke, he found his legs were threaded through hers. At least it wasn’t morning yet. He scanned the room. In the darkness he could make out a heap of clothes on a chair.

  He eased himself out of bed. What the fuck was he going to say to Maddy?

  ‘Going so soon?’ said a croaky voice from under the duvet. He glanced behind him as he pulled his T-shirt from the chair, causing the whole pile to fall.

  ‘I’m meant to be somewhere,’ he said, untangling his overalls. ‘I should never have dozed off.’

  ‘That’s a good sign, isn’t it?’ she said, pulling back the sheets.

  ‘Maybe. Look…’ He stood over the bed, trying not to look at the inviting creaminess of her skin.

  ‘I know. It’s a one-off; you’re with someone. Happens to me all the time.’

  ‘Sorry.’ He squinted, trying not to sound so grateful.

  ‘Still, fulfilled a school-girl’s dream.’

  He frowned and pulled up his trousers.

  She laughed. ‘You don’t remember me, do you? I wouldn’t expect you to. I had fuzzy red hair and buck teeth.’

  ‘Do we know each other?’

  ‘Everyone knew who you were. Dated Ali Wood on and off for years, broke all our hearts.’

  He laughed nervously. He still couldn’t think who she was.

  ‘Wait until I tell Ali I bumped into you.’

  ‘You… you see her?’ He switched the bedside light on and leaned over her.

  ‘Yeah, although she doesn’t live here anymore. Moved away, cut herself off from her crackpot family completely. Don’t blame her. She was well out of it. Their cab fleet business got raided and the loan shark side was uncovered, whole lot of them were banged up.’

  ‘Really, what even her dad?’

  ‘Yeah, amazing, isn’t it. About time too, I say, like the bloody mafia they were.’

  ‘Yeah, tell me about it. So, when do you see her?’ He was close enough to see a pierced hole above her lip.

  ‘She visits sometimes, lives near Peterborough, so not a million miles away.’

  ‘What’s her number?’ He took out his phone. It wasn’t a question as such as he had no intention of leaving until she’d given it to him.

  ‘I don’t think she’ll want to see you to be honest.’

  ‘Shall we let her decide that?’ Crafty cow, not telling him about Ali earlier. He remembered her now, always flirting with him. Jealous as hell of Ali and her petite figure.

  ‘Why’d you leave her anyway?’ She reached down to the floor for her handbag.

  ‘She didn’t tell you?’

  ‘Always thought you two would tie the knot.’

  ‘You said I wasn’t the marrying kind.’

  Jaz gave a smirk. ‘She disappeared, then you disappeared. So what really happened?’

  ‘Nothing for you to worry about.’

  ‘You’ll have to tell me if you want her number.’

  They stared each other out, but he couldn’t help himself, he caved in and told her.

  She scribbled on a pad of paper by the bed. ‘Here.’ She held it out to him and yawned.

  Max looked at the numbers as if they were the winning combination for the lottery.

  ‘Don’t tell her,’ he waved a finger between them, ‘you know.’

  ‘That you slept with her friend? I’ll be sure not to mention it.’

  ‘Don’t say it like that. I’d jus
t rather keep this our little secret.’

  * * *

  When Max reached home, he slipped into bed next to Maddy without disturbing her. He lay wide awake, heart pounding. Had he got away with it? He wasn’t bothered if he never saw Jaz again, but Ali… Ali.

  The bed creaked as Maddy turned towards him, her face chubby with curved lines of sleep. He listened to her rhythmic breathing. Her eyes were shut, but he felt she was watching him. He tried to sleep, but scenes from the past played out in his mind over and over. He couldn’t block them out. It wasn’t until the first birdsong when at last sleep claimed him.

  A few hours later, Max woke up. He could hear the girls playing in the garden. Ali had appeared in his dream, but not as he remembered her. She’d looked much older and he was standing by a river but she walked straight past him as though she didn’t know who he was. Did he look so different? He climbed out of bed and gazed in the mirror, drawing his hand down his mouth and stubbly chin. One or two brilliant white hairs, a few lines around his eyes. He didn’t look so bad, did he?

  He went over every moment of meeting Jaz and everything he could remember afterwards. What an idiot going back to her place. A sick feeling lodged deep in his stomach that wouldn’t shift.

  * * *

  When he surfaced he expected to get an earful from Maddy, but she didn’t ask what time he’d come home. Sometimes it seemed like she was happier with it being just her and the girls and didn’t really care if he was around or not.

  After lunch, he told her he was going to sort out his painting gear ready for his next job. He often went in his shed these days for a quiet moment to himself. He’d spent one summer insulating and painting the walls, laminating the floor. He’d even built in a skylight window and wired up electricity for a heater and kettle. Often at night, he’d sit there gazing at the sky through his telescope. He’d decked it out with a small desk and chair where he kept his binoculars and books. The walls were covered in night sky posters and moon calendars going back the last twenty years. One poster was dedicated to the total eclipse in 1999. His gran would have loved all this, especially the moon clock Maddy had bought him, which was made of recycled paper packaging. As well as showing each lunar phase, it predicted tidal heights, peak gardening times and even mood swings, which they used to joke about.

  He sat down at the small desk under the window and pulled a photo of Ali out of his pocket. He’d found a couple hidden inside his old suitcase. She was wearing shorts, a T-shirt and red stilettos, smiling and posing with her hand on the bonnet of his old Ford Fiesta. Her hair hung around her shoulders like molten gold. He held the picture up as if he had the camera in his hands and she was looking right at him through the lens. That was one of their happiest times. The summer of 2008. She turned eighteen and had agreed to go out with him properly at long last. Everyone said she could have had the pick of her year at school. He was already working for her dad, Ron, by then. Roughing up the late payers. Ali was a no go, he’d made that clear. But he couldn’t help himself.

  Chloe came running in, giving him a start. She was holding a painting, babbling something about a rainbow and a pony.

  ‘Not now, darling, I’m in the middle of clearing up,’ he said and turned away.

  ‘What’s that, Daddy?’ She pointed to the photo he was holding against his leg.

  ‘It’s nothing for you.’

  ‘Can I see?’

  ‘It’s just an old photo.’

  ‘Please,’ she whined.

  ‘Why don’t you show me your painting?’

  ‘I want to see.’ She grabbed it, but he was still holding one corner and it tore in half.

  ‘Look what you’ve done,’ he shouted, incredulous.

  Chloe dropped the piece on the ground and ran off crying. He hadn’t meant to snap but he couldn’t believe she’d done that. He called her but she’d gone inside. He could hear Maddy stomping down the path. He held the two pieces together and covered them with a box of brushes.

  ‘Max, why is Chloe so upset?’ Maddy stood at the shed door, hands on hips.

  ‘I’m sorry I was busy and she…’

  ‘She only wanted you to look at her painting.’

  ‘I know, I’m sorry.’

  ‘She said you wouldn’t show her some photo?’

  ‘I told her it wasn’t important.’

  ‘Go and speak to her, Max, she’s really upset.’

  * * *

  Chloe was in her bedroom when he went upstairs. She’d stuck a picture of the rainbow to her door and drawn big black lines of rain all over it.

  ‘Is this your painting?’ he asked.

  She was sitting at her desk, drawing something else. She nodded in an exaggerated way.

  ‘But why is it raining?’

  ‘Because you didn’t want to look at my beautiful rainbow.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, darling.’ He knelt next to her desk. ‘Who is this?’ He pointed to what she was drawing.

  ‘It’s me.’

  ‘But you don’t look very happy.’

  ‘I’m not.’

  ‘Could you draw me another picture? You’re so good at rainbows and I really would like to see one after it’s stopped raining.’

  She took out a new sheet of paper and smiled. Max kissed the top of her head. He was so lucky to have a beautiful family. He’d moved on. He needed to leave the past well alone. Trouble was, Ali had a way of worming into his head, which was difficult to control.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Maddy: October 2019

  Maddy stands by the shower curtain holding a towel ready for Emily to wipe shampoo lather from her eyes. The sweet berry aroma fills the air. It’s hard to believe Emily will be eight next year. It won’t be long before she’s self-conscious about her body and doesn’t want her mother in the bathroom with her.

  She doesn’t let Emily have baths anymore, which may be selfish, but the anxiety dreams she has about her drowning have never gone away. Max installed hand grips on either side of the bath, and they bought a long rubber mat to make sure she doesn’t slip, but it doesn’t stop her worrying that if she leaves the room something bad will happen.

  She reaches for the garnet pendant around her neck and rubs its cool smooth surface. In the steamed-up mirror above the sink, she can make out the outline of her mother’s face. She’s always been there these last few days, keeping a watchful eye over her. Only she understands what she’s going through.

  After Emily’s accident, Maddy found out she was suffering with postnatal depression. Now and then she wonders if it made her want to harm her baby, after all she knew not to leave the bathroom, yet she did. Emily could have died. The memories of what happened that day are fixed solid in her mind. If only Mum had been around to help her, none of these terrible things would have happened. Chloe might still be alive, too, because Mum would have noticed the early signs of meningitis. Why didn’t she pick up on them? What kind of mother is she that she couldn’t protect her children when they needed her most? Why didn’t she know her husband had another family? What is wrong with her? She sits on the toilet seat with the towel across her lap and presses her fingers into her forehead.

  She’d laid everything out ready for Emily’s bath that day. Emily was three months old and loved sitting in the plastic seat she’d picked up at a baby sale. She’d just finished washing Emily and had the towel ready on her lap when her mobile rang. She remembers glancing at the bathroom door, which she’d left ajar. Her phone was out on the newel post at the top of the stairs. It could wait, she told herself. But the moment after it rang off it started ringing again. It would be Max, stuck in heavy traffic letting her know he was going to be home late. He could leave a message then she would call him back a bit later. Emily was happily splashing around with her squirty toy fish. Maddy drizzled water over Emily’s shoulders making her giggle. The phone rang a third time making her jump. The tone seemed louder and much more insistent. She became convinced Max had been in a car crash and someone w
as calling from the hospital. Without thinking, Maddy ran out of the bathroom and grabbed the phone. In her head she’d convinced herself it would only take a second and Emily was secure in her seat. But it wasn’t Max calling, it was someone churning out their sales pitch to her, when was the last time you had your gutters cleared, madam? Would you be interested in twenty-five per cent off our usual price? Their stupid questions distracted her.

  ‘What the hell?’ she shouted and hung up. She’d suddenly lost all sense of time and couldn’t think how many seconds she’d been away from Emily. She could hear splashing and dashed back to the bathroom, chucking the phone on the towel. But Emily wasn’t sitting up in the seat anymore; the suckers had come unstuck and the whole seat had tipped forwards. Emily was lying face down in the water, arms flailing around with the seat on top of her.

  Maddy swooped down and grabbed Emily’s now floppy body out in a heartbeat. She screamed for help, out of the open window as she gently tipped Emily upside down, carefully supporting her body along her arm, then she smacked her back. With wet and shaking fingers Maddy managed to press 999 on her mobile and speak to the emergency services on speaker phone. A minute later, Sarah had burst in saying she’d heard Maddy’s screams from the garden and let herself in through the back door. The paramedics had arrived moments later, followed by Max.

  Every day she’s reminded of what she did. Emily’s fits are becoming more frequent. Sometimes she’s a bit slower than other children. The brain damage was slight, but it should never have happened at all. She’ll never forgive herself.

  After Emily has gone to bed, Maddy retreats to her own bedroom and shuts the door. She pulls open her wardrobe doors. One by one, she picks out every garment and lays them on the bed in two piles. One for keeping, the other for charity. She holds up the red dress she wore when she first went out with Max and the blue shift dress with short sleeves from the evening they celebrated their engagement. Everything she’s hung on to because it was precious is going. There’s no longer a place for sentimentality in her life or for seeing the best in people. Not when she’s been hoodwinked and humiliated. Now she knows what her mother went through and why her voice is as clear as a bell in her head. I’m the only one who you can trust.