Every Little Secret Page 18

  As he bends down, she examines the back of his neck, the soft springy hairs escaping his Pink Floyd T-shirt, a wing-looking tattoo, just visible. She never knew Rob had tattoos.

  His hands work quickly, matching the shoes together, lining them up. She imagines those hands smoothing over her body. No, stop it. Adam’s not left her, he’s coming home.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Maddy: November 2019

  It’s a gusty day, not the best weather to be playing in the park with Emily, but Maddy won’t let it put her off. Squinting at the low, blinding sun, she pushes Emily on the swing, all the time keeping an eye on the path by the hairdressers, which she guesses is the way he will come. A crow squawks angrily in the swaying skeleton tree as the wind rumbles around them. Emily says something, but her voice is snatched away. Maddy checks her phone. It is exactly 5 p.m. Perhaps he can’t get away. If Mother’s idea works, he won’t be able to resist the note she left in his sock drawer, because she signed it ‘Dad’.

  COME AND MEET ME AT THE PARK AT 5 PM. DON’T TELL YOUR MUM. IT’S OUR LITTLE SECRET. DAD X

  There is the possibility that he’ll show it to Alison, which is why she’s disguised her handwriting by using capital letters. Hopefully it’s easy for Jamie to read. She pictures her marching around the corner of the hairdressers and dragging Jamie away by the wrist. By then it won’t matter because she’ll have turned him against her. Told him things he ought to know about his mother. Maddy will put her hood up, turn away and hope she goes straight back home when she realises Adam is not there and she’s just a mum in a park with her daughter.

  It’s 5.02 p.m. Is he allowed out on his own normally? She’s not sure, but he can sneak out of the door, can’t he? He’d do anything to see his dad.

  At 5.03 p.m., he runs towards them, head down, hood up. Poor boy, probably thinks Daddy won’t wait. She keeps one eye on Emily, who is in the climbing frame, while she waves at Jamie. He comes to an abrupt halt in front of her.

  ‘Oh, hi again, have you seen my dad? He said he’d be here.’ Jamie is out of breath. He’s changed out of his school clothes and is wearing jeans and trainers.

  ‘He’s really sad he couldn’t make it, Jamie, so he asked me to come for him. I hope that’s okay?’ She scans his heart-shaped face: the nose and eyes are so like Max, and the long dark eyelashes, Emily has the same ones too.

  ‘But he promised he’d be here,’ he whines. ‘Where is he?’

  ‘He had to go away for work, but he says he really misses you and he left this for you.’ She reaches in her pocket and hands him a present. He rips it open hungrily and takes out a bar of his favourite chocolate; at least, she guesses it’s his favourite because she’s found enough wrappers in his bin. Inside is another present. He opens it and shouts with delight at the set of rare black star Pokémon cards. Maddy is well aware of his huge collection carefully displayed in special albums, and knows from Emily going to boys’ birthday parties that these are the ones they really want.

  ‘You’ll probably have to hide them from your mum, otherwise she’ll start asking questions and we don’t want your dad getting in trouble, do we?’

  Jamie shakes his head. ‘When’s he coming home though?’

  ‘I’m sure it won’t be long now. I think he’s staying away because he had a bad argument with your mum?’ She’s searched through Alison’s Facebook page and, reading between the lines, that’s the main reason she believes he’s not come back. But in Maddy’s mind there can only be one reason why he’s disappeared from Alison’s life, too, and she can’t accept that, not until a body is found.

  ‘Yeah, they’re always shouting at each other because Mum wants to get married and he doesn’t. I wish they’d stop, because it doesn’t matter, but nobody asks me.’

  ‘Ah, I’m really sorry. That must have been tough for you. She’s not very nice to your dad. I think he’s had enough.’ Why didn’t he leave Alison and come home?

  He nods and looks like he might cry. Emily is watching them, so she beckons her over. Jamie is looking over his shoulder like he ought to get back.

  ‘There’s something else your dad asked me to do. He wants you to meet someone special.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘This is Emily. She’s your half-sister. Emily, meet Jamie.’ They look at her then at each other. Jamie frowns and steps back.

  ‘I’d better go home.’ His voice is small. It’s a shock, of course it is, which is why she’s not mentioned the baby.

  ‘Already? You’ve only just got here. I’m sure your dad would love you to stay and play with your little sister, so you can get to know each other?’

  Emily smiles. Maddy puts her hand out to him. She’s always wanted the girls to have a brother.

  Jamie shakes his head and bites his lip. Emily stands by his side. She can’t take her eyes off him.

  ‘Oh, come on, Jamie, after your dad’s gone to all this trouble to bring us together and bought you some lovely presents too?’ While she’s talking, she slowly manoeuvres herself towards him until she is by his side and her arm can easily reach around his shoulders. Her car is only a short distance away. Emily would love having him around.

  ‘I’ve got to go.’ He turns on his heel and runs off.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Max: November 2017

  It was Saturday morning, seven months since he’d first met up with Ali again and here he was, in her maisonette, waking up next to her like they’d been together always, without interruption. He’d hoped that by now he’d have been able to choose between Alison and Maddy, but it was impossible to decide. He loved them both and couldn’t bear the thought of hurting either of them or his kids.

  He propped himself up on a pillow. Ali opened her eyes.

  ‘Happy birthday,’ he said.

  She smiled and stretched her arms.

  ‘Penny for your thoughts?’ He stroked her hair away from her face.

  ‘I feel like I’m still dreaming.’ She turned towards him. ‘This is the best birthday ever. All I wanted was for us to be together as a family.’

  He kissed her lips. ‘I’ve been thinking, now we’ve almost finished the houses on this new estate, how about you and Jamie move into one? Don’t want to be renting all your life, do you?’

  Ali sat up. ‘I told you, I can’t afford to move.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I’ll sort out the deposit.’ He’d feel bad asking Maddy for the money, lying to her about becoming John’s business partner, but Jamie deserved to have as good a life as the girls with a nice home and a big garden. He wanted to be the best dad to Jamie, so he knew he could always count on him, unlike his own lousy parents.

  ‘Will you move in with us?’ she said.

  ‘If you want me to.’

  ‘Do you want to?’ She stroked his stubbly face.

  ‘’Course, as long as you understand I’ll be away for several days at a time.’ He turned away and gulped down a glass of water. It would be tricky, but what choice did he have? He’d struggled over it for months. He just couldn’t give up Maddy and the girls and he had to do everything possible to protect them from this. Why should they suffer? They hadn’t done anything wrong. He’d managed to keep it all on his terms so far, coming here a couple of nights a week and every other weekend. Holidays could be difficult, but he’d work something out. Better than having some judge tell him when he could or couldn’t see his kids.

  ‘What are the houses like?’

  ‘Three bedrooms, good size garden, all mod cons, as Gran would say. The one I have in mind has an old apple tree in it.’

  She snuggled under his arm.

  ‘It’s the best one, corner plot, plenty of space for Jamie to run around.’ The truth was, he’d picked it weeks ago because it had a similar layout to home.

  ‘Low maintenance, I hope; you know I hate gardening.’

  ‘I can do all that, it’s mainly lawn anyway. Perfect for football.’

  ‘We could patio it.’

  ‘
That would be a shame, I was thinking of planting some vegetables.’

  ‘It’d be good for Jamie to ride his bike.’

  ‘Well why don’t you come and see it first?’

  She sat up. ‘Today?’

  He thought for a minute. ‘Yeah, okay, why not. The decorating is almost finished. I hope you like it – chose it myself.’ He’d already put his name down for it so his boss didn’t mind him choosing the décor. It was the same wallpaper and carpets he’d used at home so that everything was familiar to him. Less likely to make a stupid mistake.

  ‘It’ll be our new start – as a proper family.’ She kissed him on the cheek.

  Jamie came in holding an Action Man attached to a harness and bungee rope he’d bought him.

  ‘I’m hungry,’ he said, climbing into bed between them.

  ‘Hello little man.’ Max gave him a hug.

  ‘We’ll get up in a minute,’ Ali said. ‘Shall I make porridge?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Jamie rubbed his tummy.

  ‘Then we’re going on a secret journey.’ Max put his finger to his lips.

  He giggled. ‘Where are we going?’

  Max and Ali laughed. ‘It’s a secret!’ they said together.

  ‘Wait here, I’ve got something for the birthday girl.’ Max went out of the room and a few moments later came back with a large box tied up with a bow. He laid it gently on the carpet.

  Ali’s eyes shone. The box moved by itself.

  ‘What is it, Jamie?’ She threw back the duvet and stood up.

  Jamie giggled. ‘It’s a surprise!’

  ‘Take a look inside.’ Max grinned at her.

  She undid the bow and took off the lid. Looking up at her was a springer spaniel puppy.

  ‘Oh Adam! He’s so sweet.’

  ‘Happy birthday!’ Jamie and Max shouted together.

  ‘We’ve never had a dog before, have we, Mum?’ Jamie knelt on the floor and touched the dog’s velvety face.

  ‘No, but isn’t he lovely?’

  ‘I thought he’d be company for you both.’

  ‘Where have you kept him all night?’ She picked the puppy up and snuggled her face into the downy fur.

  ‘I collected him first thing this morning, then sneaked back to bed. The breeder lives nearby.’ He rubbed his hands together and glanced at his feet. ‘I thought we could call him Poppy.’

  ‘But that’s a girl’s name.’ Ali laughed. Jamie pulled a funny face.

  ‘I know, but they didn’t have a girl and I like the name.’ He shrugged and pulled one of his persuasive grins.

  ‘All right then,’ Ali said.

  * * *

  Later that morning, they pulled up in Lawn End, part of a new housing estate in a village on the outskirts of Huntingdon. Jamie held Ali’s hand.

  Max showed them in. ‘A few things left to do, and it’ll be ready if you like it.’ He stood back while Ali felt the wallpaper.

  ‘I love it, Adam! This is just what I would have chosen, very classy.’

  From the living room, through the large expanse of patio doors, they viewed the apple tree at the far end of the generous-sized garden. Smaller than Maddy’s, but still, a similar arrangement.

  ‘Is this going to be our house?’ Jamie pushed his face up to the glass.

  ‘It could be,’ Max said. ‘Let’s go upstairs and you can pick your bedroom.’

  ‘Can I?’ Jamie asked Ali.

  ‘Of course you can,’ she said.

  Upstairs, Jamie ran into all three bedrooms and chose the one at the front of the house.

  ‘Can we see the master bedroom?’ Ali asked, pulling on Max’s arm like an excited child.

  They found the largest room at the back with an en-suite bathroom.

  ‘Do you like it then?’ Max asked, draping his arms around her and kissing her neck.

  ‘I love it. I mean, really, really.’

  ‘So do I, so do I.’ Jamie spun round and round until he staggered to a dizzy stop.

  ‘We can get you a new bed if you like,’ Max said.

  ‘Really?’ He looked at Ali who was smiling. ‘Can I have a bunk bed with a ladder?’

  ‘I don’t see why not.’ Max took Ali’s hand and kissed it.

  ‘Thank you, Daddy!’ Jamie ran over to Max and flung his arms around his legs. Ali’s mouth opened. Max’s eyes filled with tears. It was the first time he’d called him Daddy.

  Max crouched down and Jamie threw his arms around his neck.

  ‘That’s it then, it’s ours. When do you want to move in?’ he said.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Maddy and the girls were raking leaves into the middle of the lawn when Max arrived home the next day. Chloe ran up to him and he swung her up in his arms.

  ‘Can we build a bonfire, Daddy?’ Emily pleaded. The bobble on her hat tipped from side to side as she jumped up and down.

  He glanced at Maddy, whose nose and cheeks were scorched red with cold.

  ‘I told them they could,’ she said, a little out of breath. They’d already collected branches and twigs in the wheelbarrow. A wisp of hair hung over her eye. She tried to push it away with her gloved hand, but it fell down again.

  ‘I suppose so,’ he said. Chloe’s icy nose brushed his cheek as he let her down. She giggled and ran off towards the greenhouse.

  ‘We’ve been making a Guy to burn.’ Emily emphasised the word ‘burn’ as if she were handing out a death sentence.

  ‘Have you now?’

  ‘They said at school that Guy Fawkes tried to blow up a house. Whose house was it, Daddy?’ Emily asked.

  ‘The Houses of Parliament, darling.’ Max winked at Maddy.

  ‘He was hung, drawn and quartered. They don’t do that anymore do they, Daddy?’ Emily exaggerated a frown.

  ‘No, darling,’ Maddy laughed, ‘and thank goodness for that.’

  ‘I think I might go and lie down for a bit.’ Max yawned.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Maddy’s eyes creased with concern.

  ‘Look at my apples, Daddy.’ Chloe emerged from behind the greenhouse with a little bucket full of half-rotten apples. She chucked two across the lawn and both dogs chased after them.

  ‘Tip the rest in the compost, sweetheart.’ Maddy nudged Emily to go and help her. Max trudged indoors and Maddy followed, slipping her Wellington boots off at the door. He turned and kissed her cheek. She smelled of crisp, woody air.

  ‘Can I get you anything?’ She rubbed his arm and tried to catch his eye, but he avoided the loving look he knew would be there, in case she spotted his deceit. These transitions were much harder than he’d expected, and the guilt was a constant thorn digging into him. He hated saying goodbye to one family while trying to slip back into the rhythm of the other. But if it meant they all stayed happy, it was worth it. Plus he couldn’t deny there were many benefits for him. Having a nap was like cleaning the slate and when he’d woken up, he’d be ready to be part of this family again.

  ‘Actually, I’ve been thinking – John’s asked me to go into partnership with him. Do you think we can stump up some cash?’

  ‘How much?’ She lifted the lid off a pot on the cooker. The spicy smell of butternut squash soup wafted towards him.

  ‘Twenty-five.’

  She stirred the thick mixture with a wooden spoon then tested a little on her tongue.

  ‘He’d still be in charge of the building side, and I’d take care of the decorating.’

  ‘Sounds a lot,’ she said and took out three bowls from the cupboard.

  ‘It would be so good to be my own boss at last.’

  ‘I’ll think about it.’

  ‘I’m sure I can get him down to twenty, no problem.’

  ‘Let’s talk about it later.’

  ‘You know it’s what I’ve been after.’ He slipped his arm around her waist. ‘I’ll have more freedom, make more money.’

  ‘And you’ll be away more.’

  ‘Everything has its price.’ He pulled her closer.
‘It’ll be worth it, I promise.’ He detected the flicker of a smile in her eyes.

  He plodded upstairs, lay down on the bed and shut his eyes. What would he do if she said no, especially now he’d promised Ali and Jamie the house? He couldn’t help imagining them in it: Ali gliding around barefoot on the new carpets, Jamie still in his pyjamas, lounging on the sofa watching TV. His eyes snapped open. But he would never leave Maddy. She’d given herself to him completely from the start, been open about everything. He scanned their wedding photo on the bedside table, and the miniatures of the girls when each of them was born. The thought of deserting them, abandoning his life here choked him up. He’d never tell Maddy about Ali and Jamie. She’d never forgive him; she’d kick him out, no question. But could he really pull this off? Keep them both happy? He buried his head under the pillow.

  * * *

  It was dark when he woke. The smell of burning wood filled the room. Shivering, he stepped out of bed and shut the window.

  Downstairs he drifted into the living room. Through the French windows, he watched the bonfire dance and rage. Maddy and the girls held up a gangly-looking Guy. Max banged his fists on the glass, but they couldn’t hear him. He rushed outside.

  ‘I’ll do that, it’s dangerous.’ His words hung in a cloud of icy air. He grabbed the Guy by its crudely drawn face and stuffed torso. The frowning eyebrows he imagined resembled his own. The flames crackled and hissed, the heat meltingly hot.

  ‘These are my clothes,’ he shouted, trying to take a closer look under the orange glow, pulling at the Guy’s jumper and shirt.

  ‘Da-aad,’ Emily whined.

  ‘Old ones you don’t wear any more,’ Maddy shouted back.

  ‘Can’t I decide that?’ Yes, they had holes in, but they were his favourite T-shirt and jeans from years ago. And the jumper was one his gran had knitted for him.

  Chloe started to cry.

  ‘You’re being ridiculous, Max,’ Maddy shouted.