Every Little Secret Read online

  By the end of the summer, Max had been living with Maddy for five months. She seemed eager to please him, both in bed and when they were working on her house together at weekends.

  ‘I was never allowed to bring boyfriends home,’ Maddy said one Saturday evening.

  ‘What, even as an adult?’

  He took his T-shirt off to have a wash in the corner basin. When he turned back, she was staring at his chest.

  ‘I’ll have to start charging for that.’

  She laughed, her face glowing. She held out a towel. He took it and rubbed under his arms.

  ‘Mum didn’t like it at any age. I always had to sneak around. Relationships never lasted more than a few months.’

  ‘Wouldn’t it have been better to put her in a home?’

  ‘Not in the state she was in.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘She turned to drink after Dad died. It was a slow decline; I tried to stop her, hiding her bottles, but she was worse without it, vicious and bitter.’

  ‘So you cared for her since when you were at school?’

  ‘I’d come home and she’d be on the sofa, passed out drunk. Once she’d left the cooker on. It was lucky I came home when I did. I ended up staying off school more and more to look after her. I missed part of the last year.’

  ‘And they let you do that?’ He hung the towel up.

  ‘They sent work home, but I don’t think they really understood that I was caring for her alone.’ She opened the wardrobe door. ‘Mum wasn’t able to cope on her own. She couldn’t get over what Dad did to her, all his lies.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I’d rather not talk about it right now.’

  ‘We couldn’t have done things like this then.’ He pulled her towards him.

  ‘God no, never.’ Maddy laughed and shut the wardrobe door. ‘She would’ve been banging on the ceiling with her broom, calling me for something, anything.’

  She held up a navy suit.

  ‘Hey, what’s this? I don’t do suits,’ he said, ‘except weddings and funerals. Gotta be a good reason.’

  ‘It’s one of Dad’s. He never wore it.’ She looked hurt.

  ‘I don’t change the rules for just anyone you know,’ he said softly, lifting her chin. He kissed her lips.

  ‘I thought we could maybe go out for dinner, that’s all.’

  Perhaps he should have come up with the idea himself. He watched her substantial backside as she left the room. It sounded like she meant business.

  * * *

  They arrived at The Swan and Bottle by the canal in Uxbridge at 8 p.m. and were shown straight to their table. A single candle flickered between them in the semi-darkness. Maddy ordered champagne.

  ‘Special occasion?’ asked the waiter, his moustache expanding with his grin.

  Maddy smiled at Max.

  Max reached across the table and took her hand. ‘You look beautiful,’ he said, admiring her red dress and softly curled hair.

  ‘You look pretty good yourself.’

  ‘Yeah the suit fits all right, doesn’t it?’

  The waiter poured two glasses and placed the bottle in a silver bucket by the side of the table.

  ‘Here’s to us.’ Max raised his glass and tapped it against Maddy’s.

  ‘And here’s to you, Max, for making me so bloody happy.’

  He took her hand again and leaned across to kiss her. Who’d have thought a few months ago that he’d be drinking bubbly and wearing a suit?

  The waiter served wild salmon for Maddy and steak and ale pie for Max before topping up their glasses.

  ‘Have you thought any more about selling the cafe?’ Max asked.

  ‘Not really. I might sell Dad’s shop first and go from there.’

  ‘When did he buy it?’ He tucked straight into the pie.

  ‘My granddad bought the freehold in the 1960s. Dad left half to me and half to Mum but with the stipulation that the sale of the antiques then the rent went to her during her lifetime.’

  ‘So you’ve had no income from it?’

  ‘Not until recently. All I’ve had is what I’ve earned from the cafe.’

  ‘That seems a bit mean,’ Max said. Maddy was hardly touching her food.

  ‘Not really. Mum paid the bills and I did everything else for her. I suppose he didn’t plan for things to work out the way they did.’ She gave a wry smile.

  ‘It sounds like she never really let you grow up.’

  ‘I think part of her was worried I’d end up like her one day.’

  ‘So was she punishing you?’

  ‘In a way. She thought I’d betrayed her.’

  ‘Did you?’ He finished his food, scraping the plate clean.

  ‘Let’s say I tried to shelter her from the truth.’

  ‘Are you going to eat that?’ Max asked. The waiter was standing at the table.

  ‘I think I’ve had enough thanks, sorry.’

  The waiter took their plates.

  They shared a raspberry pavlova and finished with coffees.

  ‘You must miss your parents a lot,’ Maddy said.

  ‘Not anymore.’ He looked down at his empty plate. ‘They didn’t actually die in a plane crash. I only tell people that because it’s easier. It means I don’t have to explain what they really did.’

  ‘It must have been something bad for you to lie about it.’

  ‘It was.’ He told her the whole story about how they upped and left one night leaving him and Gran a goodbye note promising to call for him to join them. But they never did, and the disappointment grew deep in the core of him like rings in a tree with each year that passed.

  ‘That’s so sad. I’m sorry they did that to you. It sounds like we’ve both had a tough time.’

  He nodded. There weren’t many people he’d been able to trust like this.

  Maddy held up her glass. ‘These last few months have been wonderful, Max.’

  ‘Yeah, it has been for me too.’ He smiled and clinked his glass with hers. This was the life he’d craved. A good job, money in his pocket and a beautiful, kind woman by his side. The waiter brought over the bill. For once he could pay without hesitation. He placed his credit card onto the silver tray, not even looking at the total. When he’d paid, he took out a crisp tenner and left it under the candle. Maddy smiled and nodded her approval. He gave a little tug of the suit cuffs. He could get used to this. For the first time in his life, he felt good about himself.

  * * *

  On the way home, he asked the taxi to stop at the north side of Uxbridge Common, so they could stroll back in the moonlight. Another couple were by the pond and a man passed with his dog along the pavement.

  They sat on the grass. Max laid his hand over Maddy’s and edged closer to her. Paint and plaster rimmed his nails, dirt etched into the lines of rough skin.

  ‘See the full moon?’ he said, gazing at the sky. ‘My gran used to say that it represents a full belly, a full purse, a full womb and a full life.’

  Maddy cocked her head at him. ‘I like that.’

  ‘And it’s supposed to be lucky for romance,’ he added.

  ‘Do you believe it is?’ She smiled.

  ‘I’d like to think it’s true.’

  ‘We get on really well, don’t we?’ She squeezed his hand.

  ‘We do,’ he said, pressing her hand back.

  ‘Tell me more about when you lived with your gran.’

  ‘We rented a barge for a while, when things got worse money-wise. Her brother owned it and didn’t charge us for the first three months, but it was damp and cold most of the time. I went to school in all the wrong clothes and shoes. That’s when I learned to fight my corner against the bullies. I had to survive somehow after she died, so beating people up for a loan shark was how I got by. I’m not proud of it.’

  ‘I wish I’d known you then. I might have been able to help you take a different path.’

  ‘I did okay. I went to college eventually and
got into the building trade. Anyway, about two years before Gran died, she took me on holiday to Cornwall. It was the only proper holiday we ever had. She’d always wanted to see a Moon Garden, so that’s where we went. I’ll never forget it. It was a warm night and there was a lemony sherbet smell in the air. Gran said it was from the flowers that only bloomed in the dark. The eerie light of the full moon illuminated all the silvery-leafed plants and a massive circle of glowing white angel’s trumpets and moonflowers. Right in the centre was this fairy, sculpted from wire, blowing dandelion seeds and tinkling bells hung up across branches laden with white cherry blossom. It was an unbelievable sight, so magical.’

  ‘Sounds beautiful. It must have looked quite ghostly too. I’ve heard of a few plants used in night gardens, like evening primrose, night phlox and silver sage. But moonflowers are really special because they stay tightly shut during the day and only start to open their massive white flowers at dusk.’

  ‘It was a pilgrimage for Gran. She’d saved up for years to go there.’

  ‘She sounds like a very special lady.’

  He nodded. ‘You’d have loved her.’ He stroked her face with his fingers. ‘I’ve never told anyone all this stuff before.’

  ‘Then I’m very privileged. I feel like we’ve known each other for years.’

  ‘Yeah, me too.’ They really clicked. She made him feel comfortable in his own skin. For once he didn’t have to pretend to be a hard nut. He could show his softer side and be himself with her more than anyone he’d ever known.

  ‘You’re one of the only people I know who understands how rewarding and soothing for the soul gardening is, getting your hands dirty, digging into the earth, planting and watching things grow. We may not realise it, but we all draw comfort from the cycle of the seasons.’

  ‘And the moon’s.’

  ‘Exactly. We all need those certainties in life. Gardening is about the only thing that’s kept me sane over the past few years.’ She gave a nervous laugh.

  He gently pulled her closer to him. She’d been through a shit time the same as he had. No wonder they understood each other. They both gazed up at the sky. How amazing to meet someone who was interested in the same things as him. You’d have loved her, Gran. No doubt at all.

  ‘There is something I’ve been wanting to ask you,’ he said, shifting round so he was kneeling in front of her, looking right into her eyes. He wondered what she saw in his, how much she could read him. ‘You can say no to this, if it makes you uncomfortable. And we don’t have to straight away.’ He pushed a fallen curl behind her ear.

  ‘Let me decide that.’ She touched his chin and ran her fingers along the newly shaven skin.

  ‘I want us to be together always – I don’t want to lose what we have.’ He took her hands between his. A flood of adrenaline pulsed through him. Maybe it was a little bit crazy. You’re moonstruck, Gran would say. But it was time to start laying down roots, stop wondering what might have been. A ripple of clouds surrounded the bright moon. Beautiful things like this didn’t happen to someone like him. But here he was, and it was happening all right and it made his whole body light up like never before.

  He took her hand and kissed it. ‘Maddy, will you marry me?’

  An instant smile brightened her face and eyes, fingertips pressed to her lips as he watched his words sink in.

  ‘Oh God, Max, I’d love to.’ They reached out at the same time, clasping each other tightly in their arms.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Maddy: October 2019

  It’s been almost two weeks since Max disappeared, although it feels like an age. He’s still not been found. In an interview for the local newspaper she was asked if she thought he was still alive. She said she couldn’t bring herself to think of him as dead, although she realises it’s a possibility. It’s also possible that he’s alive and well and living with that woman, but she didn’t tell them that. Either way it’s a lot to come to terms with. But it doesn’t stop her expecting him to call her or turn up. She thought she saw him at the supermarket, but on closer inspection, the man was much older with a chubby face. She imagines him doubling over with laughter at all the fuss being made. He’ll tell her it hadn’t been him on that bridge. But the day after the interview, Max’s van was found abandoned in a street, less than a mile from the river.

  When Alison drives away in the Nissan, Maddy follows, being careful to keep plenty of distance. Alison is a careless driver, she concludes, driving way over the speed limit. The drive is shorter than she expected. Less than five minutes and they are pulling into the car park at Tesco. She hoped she might be meeting Max but nevertheless she follows her into the store, pushing a clunky trolley.

  Alison stops to pick out three red apples and two green ones. Maddy sees that she’s not always so precise; taking a handful of potatoes she pushes them into a bag. Then she chooses a pineapple, turns it over, sniffs it, and adds it to the shopping. She click clacks away in her kitten heel mules. Her calf muscles are tight. She must work out every day. An unwelcome image of Alison’s legs wrapped around Max pushes its way into her head.

  She pulls into the meat aisle, but Alison misses it out completely. Bet she’s a bloody vegan, can’t believe he went along with that. He loves his steak and chips. Is she going to be the one to tell her he’s missing, presumed dead? She follows her to the dairy section. He must have enjoyed being two different people, leading two lives. Maybe that was part of the appeal: that, and having sex with two women. Not as often as she wanted though. She should have realised there was someone else. There must have been signs, how could she have missed them?

  Maddy drops a bag of stewing beef into her trolley. She imagines the security cameras watching her, knowing that she’s not really shopping. Alison comes to the end of the aisle but instead of turning down the next one, she is spinning round, heading back towards Maddy. There’s nowhere to hide. She is certain Alison will know who she is. Maddy backs up, crashes into a shelf. Alison stops next to her, peers into the fridge. Maddy freezes holding her breath. Alison moves on and Maddy slowly exhales.

  And then she’s gone. Vanished. Maddy races down the centre of the shop, scanning up and down each aisle, both sides. Perhaps it dawned on her she was being followed. Maybe she recognised her from when she knocked at her door. What if she knows who she is? She’s probably calling security right now. She’ll be frogmarched off the premises. How humiliating. She wants to shout, but she’s been living with my husband!

  There she is, standing at the Pharmacy counter, talking to the chemist. She’s unbuttoning her coat. Maddy edges closer, gripping the trolley. Alison is rubbing her belly, which should be flat on someone so tiny, but it’s not, there’s a distinct swelling. As Alison talks, she wipes her eyes with a tissue. The chemist brings a chair forward, and as she sits down, her hands reach around the now unmistakable bump. Maddy’s mouth opens in a silent scream. A pain shoots through the side of her head. She abandons the trolley and presses the heel of her hand to her temple, running haphazardly towards the doors, colliding with people as she tries to escape.

  Outside, she steadies herself against a pillar and doubles over, arm around her own bump. A low groan escapes her lips as she straightens up, her nails scraping into the brick.

  Chapter Twenty

  Max: December 2011

  ‘I’ve found it,’ Max called from the loft. He picked up a long box with a picture of a Christmas tree on the front labelled, ‘Scandinavian Fir’ held together with Sellotape, yellowed and crispy at the edges. He’d tried to persuade Maddy to buy a new tree to celebrate their life together as husband and wife, but she said this tree was special, from her childhood.

  ‘I’m passing it down,’ he called through the hatch.

  Maddy reached up and took one end.

  ‘It’s not too heavy for you, is it?’

  ‘I’m pregnant, not ill,’ she laughed, placing it on the ground.

  ‘There are more boxes here marked, “Decorations”.’


  ‘I’ve forgotten what we have. Shall we have a look through them?’

  He heard her go down to the kitchen as he wiped the dust off an old rocking chair and sat down for a few minutes. This would be perfect for Maddy nursing the baby. He wondered if she knew it was up here. Seemed sturdy enough. It was taking some getting used to – the idea of having his first baby. But he couldn’t wait to be a dad. Maddy was almost six months gone already. When she told him she was expecting, it was like a shooting star ignited his heart. He wished he could share the news with Gran.

  Downstairs, he put up the spindly looking tree in front of the window. Maddy was so excited he didn’t want to spoil it for her, so he wrapped the bushiest strips of tinsel around the middle to hide how bare it really was. He found a set of multi-coloured lights still in their original Woolworths packaging and wound them around the branches. He switched them on as Maddy was bringing in mulled wine and a plate of hot, sweet-smelling mince pies.

  She let out a little whoop of delight. ‘That’s beautiful.’ Maddy gazed at the tree with the wonder of a child.

  Max took a swig of the warming drink.

  ‘Mum wouldn’t have the tree or tinsel up the first Christmas after Dad died, or any year after that.’

  ‘That must have been tough for you.’

  She nodded. ‘What were your Christmases like?’

  ‘Usually there was only me and Gran but sometimes her brother and his family invited us over. Gran made it lovely. We’d decorate the tree together and I’d help her make mince pies and a massive Christmas pud. Presents were always jumpers she’d knitted or second-hand toys she’d picked up from the charity shop. I didn’t mind though.’

  ‘At least you had someone to care about you. From the moment Dad died, Mum seemed to give up on life. She wouldn’t set foot outside the house. She couldn’t face any of the neighbours. I wasn’t allowed to talk about his death to any of them, but I confided in my closest school friend, Jo.’

  ‘You were lucky to have her.’